Window Shopping on La Cienega

Hollywood Forever Cemetery, Hollywood, CA.

Top 10 Things I Love About Grocery Shopping With A Hangover

(alternatively titled “Drunken Supermarket Sweep”)

10. Samples.

Good Lord above, do I love samples. So few grocery stores hit you with 'em anymore, and it's a crying shame if you ask me. I mean, you don't even have to eat on a day that involves a Costco run. Just keep circling the frozen food areas until you've stuffed yourself senseless with French Bread Pizza, Swedish Meatballs and Pigs In A Blanket.

I completely lose the ability to discriminate between good and bad food when its being presented to me at the corner of an aisle, cut up into bite-sized pieces by a granny in a hairnet.

9. Enormous hunks of cured meat.

There are very few things I could live comfortably inside and eat my way out of. This sweet baby's one of 'em. A beached whale might be another.

8. Guacamole with no avocado in it.

What kind of namby-pamby eats guacamole with actual AVOCADO in it? Pshhh. That's not gonna put hair on your chest. Be a real man and step up to the plate with some partially hydrogenated oils, corn syrup, food starch, yellow dye and blue dye.

I enjoy stirring mine with a Camel no-filter, pouring in a little Drano when I'm feeling sassy, and scooping it into my mouth with sheets of lead.

7. Ready-made meals for lazy people.

Personally, I'm the kind of "keeper" that only knows how to make meals with three ingredients in it. Once a year or so, when I've gotta "cook" for the Ol' Man, I just nuke one of these suckers for 5 minutes, slip it onto a platter, throw the packaging in a dumpster, and turn the oven on like this hot mess just came out of it.

6. Easy-Mac.

When I'm "cooking" for myself, three ingredients is two ingredients too many. The only thing separating me from this cheezy bliss is a cup of hot water. CHECK.

5. Carbonated color therapy.

How can you NOT buy something when you walk down an aisle like this? This aisle is to your supermarket as Disneyland is to Anaheim. It's the shining beacon of fantasy glimmering in an otherwise cruel reality. Not a single one of these carburetor cleaners is remotely ingestible, but who cares? There's a sudden spring in your step, a soft glaze of the eyes and WHAM! Pineapple Fanta in your cart.

4. Nutty knockoffs.

There are three things I love about this particular faux-brand:

A. The brazen shamelessness of the identical packaging (see prominently featured wheat stalks and logo placement)

B. I'm sincerely baffled by the fact that there's room on this planet for TWO types of breakfast gravel.

C. Doesn't the name make you giggle like a stoner? I mean, just say it to yourself. Nutty Nuggets. Huheh.

3. Childhood Obeseables.

Now with 20% flavoring solution!

2. Big-lady clothing with regional identifiers.

When the items in your cart don't tell the world that you've given up on life, your wardrobe can!

1. Recession-Themed Special Edition Ice Cream.

Because nothing tastes better after you lose your job, your home, your 401(k), your health-care and your will to live than a scoop of ice cream that tastes like its laughing at you.