Top 10 Things I Love About Grocery Shopping With A Hangover

(alternatively titled “Drunken Supermarket Sweep”)

10. Samples.

Good Lord above, do I love samples. So few grocery stores hit you with 'em anymore, and it's a crying shame if you ask me. I mean, you don't even have to eat on a day that involves a Costco run. Just keep circling the frozen food areas until you've stuffed yourself senseless with French Bread Pizza, Swedish Meatballs and Pigs In A Blanket.

I completely lose the ability to discriminate between good and bad food when its being presented to me at the corner of an aisle, cut up into bite-sized pieces by a granny in a hairnet.

9. Enormous hunks of cured meat.

There are very few things I could live comfortably inside and eat my way out of. This sweet baby's one of 'em. A beached whale might be another.

8. Guacamole with no avocado in it.

What kind of namby-pamby eats guacamole with actual AVOCADO in it? Pshhh. That's not gonna put hair on your chest. Be a real man and step up to the plate with some partially hydrogenated oils, corn syrup, food starch, yellow dye and blue dye.

I enjoy stirring mine with a Camel no-filter, pouring in a little Drano when I'm feeling sassy, and scooping it into my mouth with sheets of lead.

7. Ready-made meals for lazy people.

Personally, I'm the kind of "keeper" that only knows how to make meals with three ingredients in it. Once a year or so, when I've gotta "cook" for the Ol' Man, I just nuke one of these suckers for 5 minutes, slip it onto a platter, throw the packaging in a dumpster, and turn the oven on like this hot mess just came out of it.

6. Easy-Mac.

When I'm "cooking" for myself, three ingredients is two ingredients too many. The only thing separating me from this cheezy bliss is a cup of hot water. CHECK.

5. Carbonated color therapy.

How can you NOT buy something when you walk down an aisle like this? This aisle is to your supermarket as Disneyland is to Anaheim. It's the shining beacon of fantasy glimmering in an otherwise cruel reality. Not a single one of these carburetor cleaners is remotely ingestible, but who cares? There's a sudden spring in your step, a soft glaze of the eyes and WHAM! Pineapple Fanta in your cart.

4. Nutty knockoffs.

There are three things I love about this particular faux-brand:

A. The brazen shamelessness of the identical packaging (see prominently featured wheat stalks and logo placement)

B. I'm sincerely baffled by the fact that there's room on this planet for TWO types of breakfast gravel.

C. Doesn't the name make you giggle like a stoner? I mean, just say it to yourself. Nutty Nuggets. Huheh.

3. Childhood Obeseables.

Now with 20% flavoring solution!

2. Big-lady clothing with regional identifiers.

When the items in your cart don't tell the world that you've given up on life, your wardrobe can!

1. Recession-Themed Special Edition Ice Cream.

Because nothing tastes better after you lose your job, your home, your 401(k), your health-care and your will to live than a scoop of ice cream that tastes like its laughing at you.

Broads Book Club, Viv's Joint, West Hollywood, CA.

Hungry Cat

What can I say . . . I love Hungry Cat. Indeed, some might say my love of Hungry Cat borders on obsession, and maybe it does. But if I am obsessed, it is completely justified. The food at Hungry Cat is amazing, and truly seasonal. I've eaten at Hungry Cat three times in the six weeks, and the menu has been slightly different each visit. The Pug Burger (with bacon, avocado, blue cheese and an optional fried egg) is always on the menu, but don't get too attached to anything else. Despite the kitchen's penchant for mixing it up, though, everything is always incredibly well executed and just plain delicious. Here are the details on my last visit:

The drinks:

I went with my standby cocktail at Hungry Cat: the Greyhound Proper. Hungry Cat does the greyhound better than anyone else in LA, with Plymouth Gin, fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice (squeezed in an old-fashioned citrus press) and a piece of candied grapefruit. Yum! Everyone else tried the persimmon margarita. Mellow yet tart, with a cinnamon salt rim. It tasted like a margarita, not a syrupy fruit bomb. Two people in our party wanted something a little sweeter, and two of us liked it as is. Thus, the persimmon margarita isn't for everyone, but I thought it was a great use of an underrated seasonal fruit. In any event, they ran out of persimmons after our first round, and the non-greyhound drinkers made the switch to tangerine margaritas.

The food:

We started with a half-dozen oysters (self-explanatory) and the marinated diver scallops, served with asian pear, green curry vinaigrette and peanut brittle. Sounds odd I know, but everything worked. There was just a hint of spice, and the natural sweetness of the scallops paired really well with the small morsels of peanut brittle. We were really really hungry and I forgot to take a picture of this course, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

We tried four mains (rather unsurprising since there were four of us):

(1) Grilled arctic char with sunchoke puree, roasted carrots, mustard greens, beets and hazlenuts.

(2) Black grouper with braised octopus & fregola sarda stew, almond gremolata and romesco.

(3) Chorizo stuffed squid, grits, slow cooked peppers, basil and saffron aioli.

(4) Monkish stew with coconut milk.

The artic char was the hands down favorite. Despite the varied ingredients, the differing flavors and textures meshed beautifully. The mild fish paired fantastically with the creamy sunchoke puree, bitter mustard greens, crunchy hazlenuts and sweet beets. The squid and the monkfish stew were the two runners up. The squid was savory and tender, and the creamy grits were a nice counterpoint to the bite of the spicy chorizo-stuffed squid. There were two people in our group who had never eaten squid before; once they got past the ick factor (one woman thought there would be suction cups and tentacles) they really enjoyed it but still found it to be a tad adventurous. The monkfish stew was light yet creamy, and the sweetness of the coconut milk was tempered by a hint of curry spice. It was more of an appetizer than an entree, but given all of the other food we ordered, I suppose it was good that the monkfish stew was on the "lighter side." The grouper rated last only because we were divided on whether the octopus was on the right side of charred. One person in our group found the charred flavor overwhelming, although she found it less so as the meal went on . . . perhaps the flavors just needed more time to meld. The romesco sauce and gremolata, however, were bright and flavorful, and the grouper was cooked perfectly.

For dessert we shared the apple fritters with caramel and sea salt. Little warm bites of deliciousness, and perfect for sharing if you're already stuffed full of well, everything else. A nice alternative to the over-the-top (but utterly wonderful) chocolate bread pudding.

The verdict: MEOW!!!

(Sorry -- couldn't resist the bad pun!)