Top 10 Things I Love About Grocery Shopping With A Hangover

(alternatively titled “Drunken Supermarket Sweep”)

10. Samples.

Good Lord above, do I love samples. So few grocery stores hit you with 'em anymore, and it's a crying shame if you ask me. I mean, you don't even have to eat on a day that involves a Costco run. Just keep circling the frozen food areas until you've stuffed yourself senseless with French Bread Pizza, Swedish Meatballs and Pigs In A Blanket.

I completely lose the ability to discriminate between good and bad food when its being presented to me at the corner of an aisle, cut up into bite-sized pieces by a granny in a hairnet.

9. Enormous hunks of cured meat.

There are very few things I could live comfortably inside and eat my way out of. This sweet baby's one of 'em. A beached whale might be another.

8. Guacamole with no avocado in it.

What kind of namby-pamby eats guacamole with actual AVOCADO in it? Pshhh. That's not gonna put hair on your chest. Be a real man and step up to the plate with some partially hydrogenated oils, corn syrup, food starch, yellow dye and blue dye.

I enjoy stirring mine with a Camel no-filter, pouring in a little Drano when I'm feeling sassy, and scooping it into my mouth with sheets of lead.

7. Ready-made meals for lazy people.

Personally, I'm the kind of "keeper" that only knows how to make meals with three ingredients in it. Once a year or so, when I've gotta "cook" for the Ol' Man, I just nuke one of these suckers for 5 minutes, slip it onto a platter, throw the packaging in a dumpster, and turn the oven on like this hot mess just came out of it.

6. Easy-Mac.

When I'm "cooking" for myself, three ingredients is two ingredients too many. The only thing separating me from this cheezy bliss is a cup of hot water. CHECK.

5. Carbonated color therapy.

How can you NOT buy something when you walk down an aisle like this? This aisle is to your supermarket as Disneyland is to Anaheim. It's the shining beacon of fantasy glimmering in an otherwise cruel reality. Not a single one of these carburetor cleaners is remotely ingestible, but who cares? There's a sudden spring in your step, a soft glaze of the eyes and WHAM! Pineapple Fanta in your cart.

4. Nutty knockoffs.

There are three things I love about this particular faux-brand:

A. The brazen shamelessness of the identical packaging (see prominently featured wheat stalks and logo placement)

B. I'm sincerely baffled by the fact that there's room on this planet for TWO types of breakfast gravel.

C. Doesn't the name make you giggle like a stoner? I mean, just say it to yourself. Nutty Nuggets. Huheh.

3. Childhood Obeseables.

Now with 20% flavoring solution!

2. Big-lady clothing with regional identifiers.

When the items in your cart don't tell the world that you've given up on life, your wardrobe can!

1. Recession-Themed Special Edition Ice Cream.

Because nothing tastes better after you lose your job, your home, your 401(k), your health-care and your will to live than a scoop of ice cream that tastes like its laughing at you.

8 oz. Burger Bar

Occupying the former Table 8 space on Melrose, 8 oz Burger Bar is a is a fun, casual neighborhood burger joint from chef Govind Armstrong. I had a chance to look at 8 oz. before construction was completed, and I think the owners have done a fantastic job of realizing their vision of a low-key, friendly restaurant with simple, delicious food and a welcoming vibe. The space has been completely revamped, with serious attention to detail. The dark walls and goth feel of Table 8 have been replaced with gleaming subway tiles, concrete floors, leather banquettes, wood wainscoting and mirror-accented walls. There are few flat screen TVs placed strategically over the bar, and the drink menu is listed bistro-style on a large chalk board. Come summer, I’m looking forward to checking out the indoor patio that opens onto Melrose for some sure-to-be stellar people-watching accompanied by a frosty beverage or two.

The cocktail list at 8 oz is geared towards “classically inspired cocktails.” We tried two -- the Moscow Mule (vodka, ginger puree, fresh lime juice, and ginger ale) and the Blackberry Collins (choice of vodka or gin, muddled blackberries, fresh lemon juice, soda water). Both were excellent. The Moscow Mule was crisp and not-too-sweet, just the way I like it. The spicy kick from the ginger puree was tempered by the tang of the lime juice and the smoothness of the ginger ale, and the liberal amount of vodka was not apparent until I became tipsy during round two. The Blackberry Collins had a lush berry flavor, and benefitted from the use of homemade Collins mix. There was none of that artificial sour taste that store-bought Collins mix tends to impart.

8 oz. has a short, well-edited list of wines available by the glass ($8), the carafe ($16), and by the bottle ($32). The beer list, from “beer chick” Christina Perillo covers everything from $3 PBR to a $22 750 ml of Russian River Damnation.

The menu is quite large considering the specificity of the concept. There are several types of burgers, ranging from veggie and fish to Estancia grass-fed beef and the house burger blend, all priced between $8 and $10. Cheese and specialty condiments can be added for $1 each, and various other additions, such as bacon, roasted mushrooms, and fried green tomatoes, can be added for $2 each. The starters, sides and salads are inventive, and include fried olives, mini-Kobe corn dogs, and a green bean salad with duck prosciutto, hazelnuts, tangerines, frisee and a truffle honey vinaigrette.

I was dying to try the mini Kobe corn dogs, but in recognition of the meaty goodness to come, we started with the grilled artichoke, served with a house-made herb aioli.

For the main event, we had the Melrose Burger, the short rib grilled cheese, an order of fried pickles, and the truffled potato skins.

The Melrose burger is made with the house-blend patty (sirloin, tri-tip, short rib and chuck cured in 8oz.’s himalayan salt-tiled locker), wild baby arugula, garlic-roasted tomatoes, and red onion marmalade. My friend, who shares my belief that burgers can’t be eaten without cheese, added bel paese cheese. Definitely a lot going on, but it worked. The toppings didn’t obscure the taste of the terrific meat, and the onion marmalade was a nice counterpoint to the garlicky tomatoes.

The short rib grilled cheese approaches sandwich nirvana. It starts with short ribs, braised until tender and succulent, and then shredded, placed on bread and topped with onion marmalade and bel paese cheese. Next, the sandwich is pressed until the bread is browned and the cheese melted. A simple concept, executed flawlessly. The richness of the short ribs, creaminess of the cheese, and hint of sweetness from the marmalade combined to make a perfect sandwich. The burgers may the main draw at 8oz., but the short rib grilled cheese should not be missed.

The truffled potato skins were also a standout. Thin, with a generous does of truffle oil, I could have made a meal out of these. Nothing like the dense, mealy potato skins served at sports bars everywhere.

The pickles, while slightly overshadowed by the deliciousness of the potato skins, were really great. They were fried in a light cornmeal crust (usually found on po-boy bound oysters) that provided a satisfying crunch but didn’t overwhelm the pickles.

We had grandiose visions of a banana split (the people next to us had one and it looked delish!), but ultimately decided to finish things off with a carrot cupcake, topped with cream cheese frosting (I won't even discuss the possibility of carrot cake with any other kind of frosting -- that would just be unnatural).

The verdict: burgers, beers, and sandwich nirvana. What’s not to like? If you’re fed up with the wait and strict rules at Father’s Office (a burger I love, but not everyday), give 8 oz a try.